Unable to sleep Thursday night, I began surfing late night talk shows. There were all the usual suspects–Steven Colbert, the two Jimmy’s Kimmel and Fallon and Conan O’Brien followed by Seth Meyers and James Corden. “Surfing” is not exactly what you would call it. More like “speed dating” as no monologue, routine or guest captured my attention for more than a couple of minutes. Oh, did I ever miss Corden’s predecessor Craig Ferguson.
If wasn’t the two interns in the Secretariat horse costume. Or his animatronic sidekick Geoff Peterson, operated and voiced by celebrity impersonator Josh Robert Thompson. It was the fact Ferguson did not tell jokes, he told stories. Whether during the opening monologue or sitting in the host’s chair with his feet up on his desk, this Scottish born naturalized U.S. citizen had your attention as he methodically wended his way from set-up to punchline.
This is never more evident than when he hits the road with his periodic one-man shows. My wife and I experienced this in 2010 when Ferguson came to Cincinnati on his “Does This Need to Be Said” tour. The set-up came in the first minute.
I wanna try something I don’t normally do. Um, I’m gonna try and tell you a joke. I know what you’re thinkin’.
“Oh, Craig, come on.
“Not a joke!
“Not from you, Craig! There’s professional comedians for that kind of thing.
“Not a joke from you, Craig. From you, we want tales of the old country,
“Craig. Tell us about the time you lived in the swamp with Shrek. Tell us about that! What was that like, Craig?”
For the next 90 minutes, Ferguson promises he’s going to get to the joke but time after time self-diverts with, you guessed it, tales of the old country, what it’s like to choose a Yankee aristocrat to be his third wife or how he thinks Shrek voice-over Mike Meyers makes a living plagiarizing Ellen Degeneres’ material. “New Craig” is pulled from the shelves and replaced with “Classic Craig.”
But if you’re patient, VERY, VERY patient the payoff is worth it. The joke is about a simple lesson everyone needs to learn. But even then you have one more set-up.
People are not meaner than they used to be. People have always been assholes, except you guys. But they… But they are, and people are not meaner. What happens is the technology is just faster. It’s just faster. What happens is, you have this crazy idea, And there’s a crazy, angry thought, and you’re like, “I’ve got a crazy, angry thought.” Tickety-Tick, tick, tick, boom! And it’s out. And you don’t have time.
And here it comes. The joke. The next two sentences as clear (and a bit as blue) as a cloudless sky.
You don’t have time to slow down and self-edit and ask yourself the three things you must always ask yourself before you say anything, which is, “does this need to be said? “Does this need to be said by me? Does this need to be said by me now?” Three fucking marriages it took me to learn that.
As Ferguson began that fall night in 2010, “I know what you’re thinkin’.” Damn it, Dr. ESP, get to the point. You’re asking, “Why did you just spend so much time telling us about Craig Ferguson? Where is this going?” See, it works.
It was something Bill Maher said to George Will last night on HBO’s “Real Time.” The conservative columnist has just released a new book titled The Conservative Sensibility, which chastises both parties for ignoring the basic tenets within the Constitution. Not surprisingly, Maher admitted he disagreed with much of Will’s thesis, but praised the author for having presented his arguments in a way that forced him to rethink why he differed in opinion. And then he asked, “Don’t you get frustrated when you spend so much time making a cogent argument and people don’t buy into it?” Will’s response, “Books still matter.”
Later in the show, several of the panelists admitted they do not use Twitter. The underlying reason being serious dialogue does not occur in 280 character segments. Which is why more and more truly talented individuals–actors, writers, musicians–have abandoned the platform, leaving it to those with no talent other than promoting their own celebrity.
I have twice signed up for a Twitter account. And twice I have abandoned it. For the same reasons Craig Ferguson needs 90 minutes to tell a story or deliver a narrative disguised as a joke. As I was preparing this post, I went back to a feature on WordPress called “drafts.” These are blog entries which I started but never finished or published. Sometimes it is the content, seemingly less important than when I began to flesh it out. Often I am personally uncomfortable being the messenger. Or maybe the timing just isn’t right. In other words:
Does this need to be said!
Does it need to be said by me!
Does it need to be said by me NOW!
Thanks Craig, for having reminded us to think before we post and never to let writing become a lost art. It still matters.
For what it’s worth.
Dr. ESP
In his 1999 book The Lexus and the Olive Tree, New York Times columnist Tom Friedman makes the following observation. Since McDonald’s international expansion, there had not been a war between two nations in which local residents could get a Big Mac or Egg McMuffin. It is hard to tell if that is still true, especially when post-1999 expansion includes foreign outlets in places like Iraq, where the Golden Arches marquee appeared in 2006, largely to serve deployed U.S. soldiers.
Perhaps, it’s not Mayor McCheese who is keeping the peace. As mentioned above, the global location of McDonald’s franchise has more to do with disposable consumer income than the tastes or dietary habits of the location’s residents. In other words, when you have a functional economy which, for the most part, serves both domestic purposes and international financial transactions, why would you put that at risk? In fact, it would seem to make more sense to develop joint trade and intellectual property agreements which ensure continued stability and success.
In contrast, you have Warren and Buttigieg. Warren was among the first and loudest voices calling for Wall Street reform before the 2008 recession. And her strong advocacy for fair treatment of customers by banks and other financial institutions was key to creation of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. Likewise, Mayor Pete has converted words into action. One example is the South Bend “Community Resident Card” program. Buttigieg worked with local businesses and La Casas de Amistad, a Latino outreach center, to create a government supported, but privately run program by which undocumented residents were issued ID cards honored for local services and as valid identification to open bank accounts and pick up prescriptions.
You don’t need three degrees in political science, 13 years in state government or staffing several campaigns to recognize the answer is a resounding “NO!” One example, the Cuban missile crisis, when we came the closest to nuclear war since the advent of the atomic age, is all you need to understand why. John Kennedy huddled with his advisors and generals for days to first analyze the situation and then choose a course of action. He then went on television to explain to the American people his decision to blockade Cuba and what was at stake. No “fire and fury” or “Nikita Rocketman.” Now that is what I call an actual MAGA moment in presidential history.
That is why I have no doubt The Impeachment will eventually be picked up by multiple news channels and broadcast networks. There will be no lack of conflict. In the promo for episode one, the announcer will hype a potential “must see” moment when Judiciary Chairman Gerald Nadler (D-NY) and former Ohio State assistant wrestling coach Jim Jordan (R-OH) take off the gloves and hit the mats. And talk about salacious. Not only do we have porn stars and Playboy playmates, we have FBI agents engaged in illicit love affairs.
Justice may not be served, but I can live with any of these outcomes. Why? Because Trump becomes the two thing he fears most. Unloved and broke. From reporting in the New York Times and Wall Street Journal, the Trump brand is taking a beating. The one exception is the Trump DC hotel where those who curry favor with this administration bow down at the altar of the Trump Organization. But those same lobbyists and foreign governments will not want to cross a Democratic president by patronizing Trump properties. And no more hosting dignitaries at Mar-a-Lago on the taxpayers’ dime. The decade during which Trump lost a trillion dollars will make the MAGA king believe those were the “good old days” to which he so much wanted to return. What’s more, no future generation will ever have to attend Donald J. Trump High School.