Unable to sleep Thursday night, I began surfing late night talk shows. There were all the usual suspects–Steven Colbert, the two Jimmy’s Kimmel and Fallon and Conan O’Brien followed by Seth Meyers and James Corden. “Surfing” is not exactly what you would call it. More like “speed dating” as no monologue, routine or guest captured my attention for more than a couple of minutes. Oh, did I ever miss Corden’s predecessor Craig Ferguson.
If wasn’t the two interns in the Secretariat horse costume. Or his animatronic sidekick Geoff Peterson, operated and voiced by celebrity impersonator Josh Robert Thompson. It was the fact Ferguson did not tell jokes, he told stories. Whether during the opening monologue or sitting in the host’s chair with his feet up on his desk, this Scottish born naturalized U.S. citizen had your attention as he methodically wended his way from set-up to punchline.
This is never more evident than when he hits the road with his periodic one-man shows. My wife and I experienced this in 2010 when Ferguson came to Cincinnati on his “Does This Need to Be Said” tour. The set-up came in the first minute.
I wanna try something I don’t normally do. Um, I’m gonna try and tell you a joke. I know what you’re thinkin’.
“Oh, Craig, come on.
“Not a joke!
“Not from you, Craig! There’s professional comedians for that kind of thing.
“Not a joke from you, Craig. From you, we want tales of the old country,
“Craig. Tell us about the time you lived in the swamp with Shrek. Tell us about that! What was that like, Craig?”
For the next 90 minutes, Ferguson promises he’s going to get to the joke but time after time self-diverts with, you guessed it, tales of the old country, what it’s like to choose a Yankee aristocrat to be his third wife or how he thinks Shrek voice-over Mike Meyers makes a living plagiarizing Ellen Degeneres’ material. “New Craig” is pulled from the shelves and replaced with “Classic Craig.”
But if you’re patient, VERY, VERY patient the payoff is worth it. The joke is about a simple lesson everyone needs to learn. But even then you have one more set-up.
People are not meaner than they used to be. People have always been assholes, except you guys. But they… But they are, and people are not meaner. What happens is the technology is just faster. It’s just faster. What happens is, you have this crazy idea, And there’s a crazy, angry thought, and you’re like, “I’ve got a crazy, angry thought.” Tickety-Tick, tick, tick, boom! And it’s out. And you don’t have time.
And here it comes. The joke. The next two sentences as clear (and a bit as blue) as a cloudless sky.
You don’t have time to slow down and self-edit and ask yourself the three things you must always ask yourself before you say anything, which is, “does this need to be said? “Does this need to be said by me? Does this need to be said by me now?” Three fucking marriages it took me to learn that.
As Ferguson began that fall night in 2010, “I know what you’re thinkin’.” Damn it, Dr. ESP, get to the point. You’re asking, “Why did you just spend so much time telling us about Craig Ferguson? Where is this going?” See, it works.
It was something Bill Maher said to George Will last night on HBO’s “Real Time.” The conservative columnist has just released a new book titled The Conservative Sensibility, which chastises both parties for ignoring the basic tenets within the Constitution. Not surprisingly, Maher admitted he disagreed with much of Will’s thesis, but praised the author for having presented his arguments in a way that forced him to rethink why he differed in opinion. And then he asked, “Don’t you get frustrated when you spend so much time making a cogent argument and people don’t buy into it?” Will’s response, “Books still matter.”
Later in the show, several of the panelists admitted they do not use Twitter. The underlying reason being serious dialogue does not occur in 280 character segments. Which is why more and more truly talented individuals–actors, writers, musicians–have abandoned the platform, leaving it to those with no talent other than promoting their own celebrity.
I have twice signed up for a Twitter account. And twice I have abandoned it. For the same reasons Craig Ferguson needs 90 minutes to tell a story or deliver a narrative disguised as a joke. As I was preparing this post, I went back to a feature on WordPress called “drafts.” These are blog entries which I started but never finished or published. Sometimes it is the content, seemingly less important than when I began to flesh it out. Often I am personally uncomfortable being the messenger. Or maybe the timing just isn’t right. In other words:
Does this need to be said!
Does it need to be said by me!
Does it need to be said by me NOW!
Thanks Craig, for having reminded us to think before we post and never to let writing become a lost art. It still matters.
For what it’s worth.
Dr. ESP