All posts by Dr. ESP

Tinman/Scarecrow/Lion

On January 6, 2021, I was fulfilling one of my duties as First Lady of the United States of America, and accordingly, I was unaware of what was simultaneously transpiring at the US Capitol Building.

As with all first ladies who preceded me, it was my obligation to record the contents of the White House’s historic rooms, including taking archival photographs of all the renovations. 

Former first lady melania trump, july 21, 2022

Why didn’t the Trumps have a pet dog in the White House? For fear, like Toto, it might pull back the curtains to expose the emperor’s wife who literally, on occasion, wore no clothes in public. Not since John Le Carre’s Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy, has one individual played as many roles in a single espionage saga as Melania Trump.

According to her own account of how she reacted to the events on January 6th, she was not even encouraging rich kids at a parochial school to “Be Best!” Instead, she had her head buried in some newly laid carpet much as any cowardly lion would have. To make matters worse, she praised her ability to pull off this White House coup without a hitch.

Several months in advance, I organized a qualified team of photographers, archivists, and designers to work with me in the White House to ensure perfect execution.

I guess we should thank our lucky stars she was not in charge of the insurrection. Or had mentored Giuliani, Flynn, Bannon, Stone, Eastman, Powell, et. al. With her self-proclaimed level of executive skills, it might have succeeded.

For Melania to think we would buy her fable she must, as did the scarecrow, lack a brain. We would also have to believe she was also blind and deaf. Having been in the White House on occasion, I can tell you there are always secret service or military guards in every room. Surely, her own security detail would not have left her alone with a horde “…of photographers, archivists and designers.” And do not tell me there was no reaction to the chatter on agents’ headsets as the Capitol was breached and the vice-president was whisked to a secure location.

But even if you give her the benefit of the doubt, her Sargent Schultz justification–I saw nothing, I heard nothing, I know nothing–would be less damning if she had said, “If I had known…,” followed by any indication she actually cared. She might have condemned the attack on the Capitol and implored the rioters to go home. Or at least expressed sympathy for those who lost their lives defending “the People’s’ House.” But that requires a heart. More likely, she was wondering where she left her “I REALLY DON’T CARE DO U?” jacket.

Of course, we cannot give her the benefit of the doubt because we know she is lying. As Jim Comey would say, “Lordy, I hope there are tapes!” In this case there were no tapes, but we do have other receipts. At 2:42 PM on January 6th, just 18 minutes after Orange Mussolini put a bullseye on Mike Pence’s back, Melania’s former chief of staff Stephan Grisham sent her a tweet.

Do you want to tweet that peaceful protests are the right of every American, but there is no place for lawlessness & violence?

A rather strange request on what Melania perceived as an otherwise uneventful Wednesday afternoon. Out of curiosity, any living, breathing human would have asked, “Why would you ask me to do that?” You do not need to ask if you already know the answer. Instead, the cowardly, brainless and heartless first lady replied, “No”.

When I hear Liz Cheney say “Trump must never again be anywhere close to the Oval Office,” of course, I agree. But the same pertains to Melania and the White House. If we wanted someone in that position who was clueless, Alicia Silverstone would be first lady.

POSTSCRIPT

In addition to her service on the select committee, Liz Cheney has taught us something else. On July 19, Cheney joined 46 other GOP representatives and voted for the Respect for Marriage Act protecting the rights of same-sex unions in all states. Two days later she was one of eight Republicans to join Democrats in passing the Right to Contraception Act.

What does this suggest? Once you leave a cult, you can start to think for yourself again and listen to what your constituents want. I expect that as long as she remains in Congress she will continue to disagree with Democrats on economic issue such as taxes and regulations. She might oppose most social spending bills though I think she may occasionally surprise us. But on votes that protect constitutional rights and personal privacy, she seems to be all in. We can only hope others will follow her lead.

For what it’s worth.
Dr. ESP

LIV and Let Die

Call me Grandpa ESP, but there is only one thing I hope the powers that run professional men’s golf four major tournaments say to defectors to the Saudi funded LIV tour. GET OFF OUR LAWN. The same goes for sports reporters, most notably ESPN’s Michael Wilbon, who must be getting paid under the table by Mohammed Bin Salman Al Saud to promote the rogue tour.

On Wednesday’s edition of “Pardon the Interruption,” Wilbon was virtually salivating over the prospect an LIV player might win the Open Championship. He described the possibility of an LIV champion as disruptive. And argued the combination of guaranteed money and the ability to still play in the majors will be hard for many PGA and European (now DP) Tour players to resist. Minus eligibility to play in the majors, even Wilbon believes the number of defections will decline.

It was obvious participants in the LIV were not welcome at the Open Championship being played at St. Andrews, the birthplace of the game. Two time Open champion Greg Norman, who has been part of LIV since its inception and is tasked with recruiting players, was not invited to the past champions’ dinner. Loyal PGA and DP players used time at their pre-tournament press conferences to label the defectors as “ungrateful” and “disrepectful of the game’s history and traditions.” More meaningful as this week’s event is the 150 anniversary of the Open Championship.

There is not much the powers behind the four majors–the Masters, U.S. Open, Open Championship and PGA Championship–can do about the LIV Tour’s deep pockets. But they do control who plays in their tournaments and how they qualify. Members of the St. Andrews Royal and Ancient board, the governing body for the Open Championship, signaled they are looking at changes to the qualifying criteria in order to exclude LIV participants.

That may not be necessary. Most of the top players qualify for the majors based on their world golf rankings, calculated on performance in authorized tour events. This week, the LIV tour applied to the ranking organization to award points for LIV events. If consideration of the LIV application was a jury trial, the panel should return its verdict in record time. Consider the following.

Comparing LIV events to those sponsored by the PGA and DP Tours is not a case of apples and oranges. It’s more like automobiles and televisions. The former consists of 48 players competing over 54 holes. To win a LIV event, a player need only out perform 47 competitors over three days. Most PGA and DP events require the winner to excel over four days (72 holes) and best 153 other challengers.

Think of it this way. What if someone created a breakaway professional baseball league with 10 teams that play seven-inning contests over a season consisting of fifty games. Then claimed the division leaders have qualified for the World Series playoffs. Even the justices on today’s Supreme Court would describe the situation as “separate and unequal.”

Professional golfers tend to be Republican and ideologically conservative. Which makes it all that more surprising the LIV contingent is pushing this perversion of “affirmative action.” So what if we are not competing at the same level or under the same rules. We deserve to be admitted to your institutions of higher golf. Not because we are historically disadvantaged or destitute. Quite the opposite.

And do not be surprised when they take the PGA/DP Tours and major tournament sponsors to court claiming their livelihoods have been harmed. One thing you must admit. These guys play with larger than regulation sized dimpled balls.

For what it’s worth.
Dr. ESP

Six Degrees of Dr. ESP

This week I was reminded the parlor game “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon” also works in reverse. To prove it, I will demonstrate there are six or less connections by which Kevin Bacon is linked to me.

This memory was triggered by news of Thursday’s passing of actor Lenny Von Dohlen at the age of 63. Von Dohlen was best know for his portrayal of the agoraphobic horticulturist in Twin Peaks. In 1988, I was hired by his father Leonard Von Dohlen to prepare an enterprise zone application for a business he and his brother Tim planned for their home town of Goliad, Texas. The project would convert La Bahia, the quarter horse oval at the Goliad County fairgrounds, into a pari-mutuel racetrack.

My contract with the Von Dohlens was the by-product of two intersecting pieces of legislation enacted in 1987. The first, the Texas Enterprise Zone Act, authorized tax breaks for new businesses created in lower income regions of the state. While serving as deputy director of the Texas Economic Development Commission, I helped state senator Hector Uribe (D-Brownsville) draft the legislation. That same year the state legislature passed authorization for pari-mutuel betting and creation of the Texas Racing Commission.

Goliad had a long tradition of quarter horse breeding which included annual sweepstake races at the county fair. Leonard and brother Tim immediately applied for a pari-mutuel license and contacted Senator Uribe about taking advantage of the enterprise zone incentives. I got involved when Senator Uribe referred them to me as someone who knew the requirements having worked on the draft bill.

Sadly the project was never completed largely because the only racing dates the Commission offered the Von Dohlens were Friday nights in September and October. If you have ever spent a Friday night in any Texas city or town, you know horse racing is not the first thing any true Lone Star resident thinks about on an autumn Friday evening. That honor goes to high school football. Despite repeated efforts, the Von Dohlens were unable to convince the Racing Commissioners those dates were economically unfeasible.

So what does this have to do with Kevin Bacon and me? To find out, simply play the new parlor game “Six Degrees of Dr. ESP.”

  • Kevin Bacon and Laura Dern appeared together in the 2001 movie Novacaine.
  • Laura Dern appeared with Kyle MacLachlin, Sherlyn Fenn and others in the 2017 reboot of Twin Peaks.
  • All of whom costarred with Lenny Von Dohlen in the original 1990-91 Twin Peaks.
  • Lenny’s father was Leonard Von Dohlen III and his uncle was Tim Von Dohlen of Goliad, Texas.
  • Who contracted with Dr. ESP to figure out how to make their pari-mutuel quarter horse racetrack eligible for state enterprise zone benefits.

And no, you do not get extra credit for needing only five degrees of separation to make the connection. After all, this was just one more trip down memory lane, as so often occurs, when a news story brings back a long-forgotten recollection of a moment in time.

POSTSCRIPT

If you have ever watched the 1988 remake of DOA with Dennis Quaid and Meg Ryan, there is a scene when Daniel Stern’s character falls from a third story window. The scene was shot in Senator Uribe’s office in the Texas State Capitol after replacing the real window with panes made of candy glass.

For what it’s worth.
Dr. ESP

Right Again, Damnit!

In my June 13 post Fool Me Once, I warned Mitch McConnell would use the toothless compromise on gun safety to protect Republicans from having to take a stand on real gun safety legislation. At the time, I knew I was in the minority, even among some of my own followers.

Well folks, yesterday I was proven right, not that there is any satisfaction in that. Following the transformation of an Independence Day parade in Highland Park, Illinois into a “killing field,” the GOP responded exactly as expected.

NBC News reached out to several Republican lawmakers including those who voted for the “Bipartisan Safer Communities Act.” They concluded, “Republicans show no signs of interest in reopening the gun debate a week and a half after Congress passed the most substantial gun reform in 30 years.”

That assessment was immediately confirmed by (drum roll) Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell.

I think yesterday’s shooting is another example of what the problem is. The problem is mental health and these young men who seemed to be inspired to commit these atrocities.

To add insult to injury and DEATH, McConnell claimed the new law “…targeted that problem.” For those of you who are not fluent in McConnell-speak, let me translate.

I do not want to talk about weapons of war being the common denominator in these massacres of innocent men, women and children; so I green-lighted a bill that would not offend the NRA, gun manufacturers who fund us or our paranoid, conspiracy ravaged voter base. Why aren’t they offended? They know it doesn’t affect them.

When will Americans realize when they say “enough is enough” after each mass shooting they too are missing the target? They need to bring the same attitude to the table each time they are “Mitch-slapped” into thinking the Kentucky senator and his lemmings believe, in the shadow of a July 4th bloodbath, they are the pro-life party.

For what it’s worth.
Dr. ESP

“You’re Hired”

NOTE TO TUCKER CARLSON: The following is what is known as satire. Stephen Colbert and Triumph the Insult Dog suggested I remind you of that.

MAN’S VOICE: Washington, DC is a real jungle, and if you’re not careful, it can chew you up and spit you out. But if you don’t care about the rule of law or the Constitution, you can really hit it big, I mean really big.

Good evening, I’m Donald Trump and welcome to The Apprentice: Sedition Edition.

Tonight, five teams will compete to see who can come up with the best way to stage a coup and and keep me out of prison. Let’s meet the teams and their captains. First, we have The Big Liars and captain Roger Stone. [Applause]

STONE: Our coup strategy is to convince people the only way you can lose is if it is rigged. Our motto? You can never start too early. [Applause]

TRUMP: Roger, a chip off the old block. I love it. Next, The Early Birds and Captain Rudy Giuliani. [Applause]

GIULIANI: We’re going to show you how to stage a coup by declaring victory before all the votes are counted. Let’s here it folks. STOP THE COUNT! STOP THE COUNT! [Applause]

TRUMP: That’s what I love about you Rudy. Everybody else thinks that’s a stupid idea, but I can dig it. Next we have The Batshit Lawyers and their captain Sydney Powell. [Applause]

POWELL: We plan to wear down the competition by filing hundreds of frivolous law suits. We call it the spaghetti against the wall strategy. [Applause]

TRUMP: Sydney, you’re making me hungry with all that spaghetti talk. Next up is The Alternate Electors and who else would you want at the helm than John Eastman. [Applause]

EASTMAN: It’s an honor to be here. As we love to say, two slates in the hand is better than one in the Pence. [Applause]

TRUMP: I don’t know, John. You’re talking about coordinating over a hundred people in six states. That’s a bigly ask. And last but not least, Team Hanging Loose with co-captains Proud Boy Enrique Tarrio and Oath Keeper Stewart Rhodes. [Applause]

TARRIO: C’mon patriots. Three cheers for the red, black and blue. [Applause]

TRUMP: Mike, are you watching?

Just to remind our audience, here’s how it works. Each team has one week to implement its strategy. The judges, the offspring from my first marriage–Don, Jr., Ivanka and The Other One–will grade each team’s performance. The team with the lowest score is eliminated. The other teams get to come back for round two where they each will be asked to come up with more ways to get those chumps, I mean supporters, to continue sending us monthly donations for the Not-a-Fund.

The competition ends when there is only one team left. And each member of that team wins a nomination to the cabinet position of his or her choice in my next administration.

So, let’s begin and don’t forget, you get extra points for flattery and butt kissing. See you next week.

ANNOUNCER: The preceding program was brought to you by My Pillow, the perfect bedding to cover your head when the FBI comes knocking at your door with a search warrant. And Goya Foods, when you want to be as full of beans as the conspiracy theories you’re spreading.

For what it’s worth.
Dr. ESP