There are days when I keep asking, “Where is George Carlin when we really need him?” Carlin’s legacy was his ability to identify and call out “bullshit” by closely observing and analyzing human behavior. One of his favorite targets was airport security. Although I do not know this as a fact, I’m relatively confident Carlin was the reason we are no longer asked those two famous questions when checking in. Here is Carlin’s take on the subject.
“Did you pack your bags yourself?”
“No, Carrot Top packed my bags. He and Martha Stewart and Florence Henderson came over to the house last night, fixed me a lovely lobster Newburg, gave me a full body massage with sacred oils from India, performed a four-way ‘around-the-world,’ and then they packed my bags. Next question.”
“Have your bags been in your possession the whole time?”
“No. Usually the night before I travel—just as the moon is rising—I place my suitcases out on the street corner and leave them there, unattended, for several hours. Just for good luck.”
Earlier this week I had a George Carlin “false sense of security” moment. I wanted to delete a device which I no longer use from my AT&T wireless account. I was prepared to navigate the automated answering service which gives you every option except the one you need. I wasn’t even surprised when the agent who finally answered my call informed me he needed to transfer me to a different department. What came next is what finally drove me to consider anger management classes.
Here is an accurate (though not necessarily verbatim) transcript of our conversation.
Agent: It appears you have not set up a security code.
Me: I’ve never had to use one. All I want to do is drop a device from my wireless account.
Agent: I can’t do that without a security code.
Me: But I don’t have one.
Agent: I can take care of that. I am going to send you a six digit code. I will text it to your phone and when you tell me what it is, I’ll know you are the account holder and can take care of your request.
Me: (after a brief pause to avoid saying something I would later regret) Let me get this straight. You have my name, address, birthday, last four digits of my social security number, my mother’s maiden name and the name of my first pet. These are things no one else could reasonably expect to have. But that is not enough. You’re going to text me a code number. What if I just stole the phone from the owner? I will get your text and you will assume I am the legitimate account holder. You do realize this makes no sense.
Agent: I’m sorry if you feel inconvenienced, but we are doing this to protect our customers.
Me: (what I wanted to say) Are you shitting me? It’s less protection than the old system.
Me: (what I actually said) All I want to do is delete a device from my account. Text me the code.
I understand many people believe we are on the brink of destruction by foreigners and 400 pound hackers accessing our email from their parents’ basement. However, experiences like this make we wonder of whom we should be more afraid.
For what it’s worth.
Dr. ESP
😂😂😂