The following is a partial transcript of a special revival episode of the television game show “I’ve Got a Secret.” The show first aired on CBS on June 19, 1952 with host Garry Moore and panelists Bill Cullen, Henry Morgan, Faye Emerson and Jayne Meadows. This retro-version is hosted by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi with guest panelists Jerry Nadler, Adam Schiff and Maxine Waters. The celebrity received $20 each time a panelist failed to come up with the secret. NOTE: The full transcript was unavailable as White House legal counsel Pat Cipollone asked that it be re-classified and kept in a code-word protected server.
ANNOUNCER: Celebrity guest #1, please introduce yourself.
[Curtain parts]
CELEBRITY GUEST: My name is Ivana Maria Trump and I’ve got a secret.
PELOSI: Do you mind if I call you Ivanka?
TRUMP: Yes, I do mind. Please call me Senior White House Advisor Trump.
PELOSI: Ivanka’s secret involves a person who has been in the headlines recently. Adam, you may start the questioning.
SCHIFF: Is the person a U.S. citizen?
TRUMP: No.
SCHIFF: Is this person the president or prime minister of another country?
TRUMP: No.
SCHIFF: Is English his or her native tongue?
TRUMP: Yes.
PELOSI: Adam, your time is up. Do you want to take a guess?
SCHIFF: I’m stumped. I was sure it was Justin Trudeau until she said it was not a president or prime minister.
PELOSI: Ivanka, you just won $20 or if you prefer, 1,260.31 rubles. Maxine.
WATERS: Is this person a male?
TRUMP: Yes.
WATERS: Is he a person of color?
TRUMP: Are you kidding? Of course not.
WATERS: Does the Trump Organization owe this person money?
TRUMP: No. I told you, he’s not the leader of another country. Daddy was right, you really are a low IQ person.
PELOSI: Sorry Maxine, your time’s up, not to mention the racial slur. Any idea what her secret might be?
WATERS: None. Not owing him money eliminates a lot of foreigners.
PELOSI: Ivanka, you have now won $40. Jerry.
NADLER: Did you ever date this person?
TRUMP: Daddy ordered me not to answer questions about my personal life. He said it is protected under Article Two of the Constitution.
NADLER: Are you still in contact with this person?
TRUMP: No.
NADLER: Without giving us privileged information about any past relationship, would your father be happy if you were still in contact with him?
TRUMP: Mr. Nadler, I think I can honestly say he would go batsh** covfefe.
PELOSI: Jerry, time’s up. Last chance.
NADLER: This is harder than proving a quid pro quo. But I’ll take a wild guess. When you attended the state dinner at Buckingham Palace, did you tell Prince Phillip you wish he was your father so you could be a real princess?
[Buzzer]
PELOSI: Sorry, that’s wrong. Ivanka, would you please share your secret?
TRUMP: I have known Christopher Steele, author of the Steele dossier since 2007 when we met at dinner. We stayed in touch for several years by email and met on subsequent occasions at Trump Tower.
PANEL (in unison): No f***ing way!
TRUMP: Way! Just ask Justice inspector general Michael Horowitz. It’s right there in his report on the Russian investigation.
PELOSI (banging her gavel): Calm down, panel. Thank you, Ivanka. When we return from this commercial break, we welcome celebrity guest #2 Devin Nunes and who knows which of his many secrets he’ll share with us tonight.
[Fade to Commercial]
AND FINALLY
In breaking news, the Trump administration unveiled new male uniforms designed especially for the re-education camp in Hersey, Pennsylvania.
For what it’s worth.
Dr. ESP