Act V/Return of the Jeb-i

Scene I: Queen’s Anteroom

Gentlewoman (Megan Kelly) [to doctor (Ben Carson)]

Lo you, here she comes.  This her very guise; and, upon my life, fast asleep.  Observe her, stand close.

Lady MacTrump (Steve Bannon)

In, damned Spot!  In, I say! What becometh of the King’s loyal canine.  Has he too abandoned his master?  Damned Spot, is the scent of coming disaster so strong as to poison the allegiance between man and his hound?

Doctor [to gentlewoman]

Foul whisp’rings are abroad.  Unnatural deeds.  More needs she the divine than the physician.  God, God forgive us all!

Scene II: Reflecting Pool on the Dunsinane Mall

Soldier I (General Mattis)

The exiled leaders are near, led on by Malcolm (George W. Bush) and the good Macduff (John McCain).

Soldier II (Evan McMullen)

Shall we well meet them?  Who knows if Donalbain (Jeb Bush) be with his brother?

Soldier I

The King cannot buckle his distempered cause within the belt of rule.  His secret dealings stick on his tiny hands.  Now minutely revolts upbraid his faith-breach.  Now does his title hang loose about him, like a giant’s robe upon a dwarfish thief.

Soldier II

Well, march we on with Malcolm and Macduff.  And with them pour we in our country’s purge each drop of us.

Scene III: MacTrump’s Camp at Dunsinane

MacTrump

Bring me no more reports. Let them fly all.  False thanes, mingle with the exiled epicures if you must.  The heart I bear shall never sag with doubt.

Thus arrives my lady’s physician.  How does your patient doctor?

Doctor

She is troubled with thick-coming fancies that keep her from her rest.

MacTrump

Cure her of that.  Canst thou not minister to a mind diseased?  Raze out the written troubles of the brain with some sweet, oblivious antidote.

Doctor

Therein the patient must minister to himself.

MacTrump

Throw physic to the dogs; I’ll none of it.  The exiles approach with requests to view the royal treasury records.  We must prepare.  Bring me my robe of royal privilege by which I shall deflect such entreaties.

Scene IV: Mar-a-Elsinore

MacTrump

What is that noise?

Doctor

The queen, my lord, is dead.

MacTrump

She should have died hereafter.  There would have been a time for such a word.  More urgent matters call. Behold, Malcolm and Macduff approach!  

Yet I am confident of victory.  Remember the prophecies.  The witches foresaw my ascension to the throne…and yada, yada…King I did become.  They next foretold I would have no heirs and with my lady’s demise, that be also true.  So, fear not. The witches, whom I gave a 2 at best, proclaimed only a man of unnatural birth could bring me harm.  Doth there exist such a fellow?

Royal Counsel (Jared Cushner)

It doth depend on what the meaning of natural is, my lord.  Therefore, I did peruse the royal documents.  Natural requires the future monarch be sired and delivered on native soil.  If that be true, beware of Macduff for he was born in the distant fief of Panama.

[Enter Macduff]

MacTrump

Of all men else I have avoided thee.  Why come thee now?

Macduff

I have no words.  My voice is these articles drafted by the royal council to relieve you of your duties.

MacTrump

Accursèd be that tongue that tells me so, yet I’ll not fight with thee.

Macduff

[Enter Donalbain]

Hail, king! For so thou art.

Donalbain

We shall not spend a large expense of time dwelling on the past.  Our long national nightmare be over.  So thanks to all at once and to each one, whom we invite to see us crowned.