You cannot pick up a book, turn on the television or go to a movie that does not include an apocalyptic vision of the future precipitated by terrorists, zombies or a pandemic. The only thing missing is an outbreak of national hysteria like the one created by Orson Welles’ Mercury Theater on the Air broadcast of “The War of the Worlds.” To fill this entertainment vacuum, Deprogramming101 is proud to present “Contagion II: Florida Style.”

ANNOUNCER. The first warning came on January 30, 2023. Florida House Speaker Paul Renner announced he would be introducing a bill in the forthcoming special session which would “allow people to carry concealed firearms without a permit and without training.”

WOMAN #1: This can’t be happening. Surely the governor will veto it.

WOMAN #2: Wrong. DeSantis has already endorsed the legislation.

WOMAN #1: Law enforcement cannot be happy. The last thing they want is more guns in the hands of people who don’t know how to use them properly.

WOMAN #2: Wrong again. Al Nienhuis, president of the Florida Sheriffs Association, was standing right next to Renner at the news conference.

ANNOUNCER: The first resistance came from an unlikely corner, the Florida Association of Cosmetology and Technical Schools (FACTS).

FACTS PRESIDENT: We can’t allow this to happen. If gunowners don’t need training and no longer pay application and yearly renewal fees for a concealed carry permit, why should cosmetologists have to pass a state exam and pay for a license. I know the code says it is in the interest of public health and safety, but when was the last mass-casualty permanent or pedicure?

ANNOUNCER: AAA soon followed suit.

AAA SPOKESPERSON: WTF, why do gunowners get a free ride and we still pay for drivers licenses and vehicle registration?

CROWD: No more fees! No more fees!

AAA SPOKESPERSON: And why do we have to take driving lessons and pass a test?

CROWD: No more tests! No more tests!

ANNOUNCER: The contagion spread. Every trade association, every professional began asking, “Why us and not them?” All hell broke loose when the Florida ABA filed a class action suit on behalf of every licensed professional in the state.

ABA PRESIDENT: Speaker Renner’s proposal is a clear violation of the Fourteenth Amendment. Every Floridian is entitled to equal protection under the law. If Renner’s bill passes and the governor signs it, the state motto should be, “Where PUBLIC HEALTH AND SAFETY come to die!”

ANNOUNCER: But Florida Man Ron DeSantis stood his ground. Falsely claiming the federal Consumer Protection Agency would ban gas appliances, the next day he proposed a permanent sales tax exemption on all such devices.

FLORIDA POWER AND LIGHT LOBBYIST: There he goes again. He just made people who cook with gas a protected class. Talk about minority politics. Only eight percent of Florida homes have gas appliances and most of them are latte liberals. Don’t working Americans with electric appliances have rights?

CROWD (wearing MEGA caps): Make electricity great again! Make electricity great again!

SPEAKER RENNER: Who would have thought it would come to this?

SPEAKER’S AIDE: Everybody.

SPEAKER RENNER: Governor, what are we going to do? Without fees and a sales tax, the state will go bankrupt. How will we pay for the election police? Or monitor school libraries? Or cover the travel costs of asylum seekers from Texas to Martha’s Vineyard?

GOVERNOR DESANTIS: Paul, there’s only one thing we can do. Propose something more outrageous that will make everyone forget the less outrageous things we do.

SPEAKER RENNER: Are you sure you really want to do that.

GOVERNOR DESANTIS. It’s the only thing we can and must do. PERIOD!

For what it’s worth.
Dr. ESP