While browsing the titles in the “New Releases” section of my local bookstore, I came upon The Newest Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Ron DeSantis and Glenn Youngkin. Certainly, these most vocal critics of “cancel culture” would not exploit a Mark Twain classic to further their faux crusade against anything that makes conservative snowflakes uncomfortable. Was I ever wrong.

In Chapter 1, we find Tom and his brother Sid newly relocated in a foster home. The young lads have been removed from Aunt Polly’s care by Child Welfare Services. Rumors of her alternate lifestyle had been reported by neighbors to the local authorities.

“This is no place to raise children,” one told the judge at the custody hearing. “These boys need a mother and father.”

“Will you take them in?” asked the judge.

“You’re joking, of course. How do you expect me to find the time to organize the protest at the next school board meeting if I have to look after these hoodlums. We’d all be better off if these boys had never been born.” (If the book is ever adapted as a movie, this scene will fade to black while Alanis Morissette sings “Ironic.”)

But, that was just a preview of what was to come. In Chapter 2, Tom’s foster parents ask him if he wants to earn some spending money by whitewashing the school library. He agrees and is handed several cardboard boxes, a shovel and a list of names.

“What are these for?” Tom asks. “Won’t I need a bucket and brushes?”

“No, Tom. This is a different kind of whitewashing. Don’t think of it as work. It’s more like a scavenger hunt. Collect all the books by people on this list and put them in the cardboard boxes.”

“But what’s the shovel for?”

“You have to bury the boxes. Due to the drought from this hot spell and lack of rain, the city is prohibiting all controlled burns.”

“Wouldn’t this have been more like an ‘out of control’ burn?”

“Watch your mouth, boy. You’re lucky you have a place to live and someone who feeds you. And forget about being paid.”

I had read enough and put the book back on the shelf.

POSTSCRIPT

The New Adventures of Tom Sawyer was nominated for the national book award as the best metaphorical teaching tool to help students understand racial and gender injustice. DeSantis and Youngkin immediately called for the book to be removed from all public school and community libraries.

For what it’s worth.
Dr. ESP