You Break It, You Onan It

But for the times in which we live, the following lede would have appeared in The Onion rather than the Arizona Republic.

The Arizona Supreme Court on Tuesday upheld a 160-year-old law that bans abortions and punishes doctors who provide them, saying the ban that existed before Arizona became a state can be enforced going forward.

Therefore, based on this new high bar for fictional satire, I have decided to propagate my own spin-off of The Onion.  I call it The Scallion, a smaller, less pungent satirical platform.  Below is a brief summary of the main story on the front page of the inaugural edition.

Arizona Supreme Court Bans More Privacy Rights.

On Friday, the Arizona Supreme Court upheld a 5,645-year-old law requiring men to sleep with their widowed sisters-in-law.  According to archivists at the Creation Museum in Boone County, Kentucky, God enacted the law to repopulate the human species which had been decimated by dinosaur attacks.  During oral arguments, Zavapai County Attorney Dennis McGrane, who successfully represented those in favor of the 1864 statute banning abortions, also represented plaintiffs who claimed that “spilling one’s seed” should be left up to the states.  The court ruled that without repeal of Genesis 38:8-10, the violation of oneself remained in effect including punishment specified in Verse 38:10.  “And the thing which he did displeased the Lord; therefore He slew him also.”

The justices rejected Onan’s two defense arguments. First, Arizona Attorney General Kris Mayes likened Onan’s refusal to impregnate his widowed sister-in-law to conscientious objection to war.  She reminded the justices Onan’s decision was based on his personal belief the practice of “levirate marriage,” in which the brother of a deceased man is obliged to marry his brother’s widow, was dishonest by pretending his seed was that of his brother, which it clearly was not.  Second, Onan felt that no one had the right to invade one’s privacy when it came to his sexual behavior.  Mayes added, “Just because Santa Claus knows when you are sleeping and knows when you’re awake, that does not give him the right to judge the actions of TWO NON-CONSENTING adults.”

Arizona Chief Justice Robert Brutinel, in a unanimous decision, left no room for ambiguity.  “In the 1864 statute case, we made it clear abortions are illegal in our state.  Based on the current case, even thinking about having sex and not completing the act as God intended, is not only illegal, it is a mortal sin punishable by death.”

In Tallahassee, Florida, State Supreme Court chief justice Carlos G. Muñiz bemoaned the fact he did not think of this first.  “I would hate to see Florida lose its reputation as the epicenter of radical legal nonsense.”

For what it’s worth.