Monthly Archives: May 2020

Orange Juice Gulch*

Walter Winchell | American journalist | BritannicaHaving just watched the HBO series based on Philip Roth’s 2004 novel The Plot Against America, I wondered how Walter Winchell might have covered the coronavirus pandemic. Something like this?

Good evening Mr. and Mrs. America, from border to border and coast to coast and all the cruise ships still at sea. Let’s go to press.

Dateline: Washington, D.C.  The White House has become a virtual coronavirus petri dish.  The latest count of those now in isolation include:

  • Donald Trump’s personal valet
  • Katie Miller, wife of White House “ratzi”* Steven Miller and Mike Pence’s press secretary
  • Ivanka Trump’s personal assistant
  • 11 secret service agents

Oh, the humanity!

Yet Donald Trump remains untouched by the contagion.  When asked how he would explain his good fortune, Trump turned to task force chair Dr. Deborah Birx.

“Dr. Birx, I’m not a doctor but I’ve been thinking a lot about this.  Is it possible we should consider a vaccine based on Kentucky Fried Chicken, Diet Coke, taco salad or big beautiful slices of chocolate cake?  It worked for me.  Maybe the doctors could look into that.”

In other news, Kim Jung-Un is still not dead.   DOJ drops charges against Jeffrey Epstein; corpse remains under house arrest pending review by trial judge.  Top “G-Man”* Christopher Wray is in danger of “Garboing It.”*  In the world of entertainment, Katherine Schwarzenegger and Chris Pratt announce they are “getting storked”* later this year.  While on a sadder note, former Chicago QB Jay Cutler and reality star Kristin Cavallari are in the process of getting “Reno-vated.”* And finally in the NBA, all games are tied 0-0 and heading into overtime.

And that’s the news.  Good night Mr. and Mrs America.  And a special good night to Donald Trump whom I remind, “Nothing recedes like success.”*

POSTSCRIPT:  In the past 48 hours, health departments in several red states report emergency rooms have been flooded with patients who injected themselves with a “cocktail” consisting of Diet Coke and chocolate cake.  Based on the four puncture wounds on the arms of those being treated, doctors surmise this dangerous combination was administered using a spork.

*Actual quotes and terms coined by Winchell. “Orange Juice Gulch” was how he often referred to New York’s Time Square, at the time populated by a number of take out food vendors including Orange Julius.

FOOTNOTE

While researching this post, I found other Walter Winchell quotes which could apply to America today.

The same thing happened today that happened yesterday, only to different people.

We must not indulge in unfavorable views of mankind, since by doing it we make bad men believe they are no worse than others, and we teach the good that they are good in vain.

The way to become famous fast is to throw a brick at someone who is famous.

An optimist is someone who gets treed by a lion but enjoys the scenery.

For what it’s worth.  Stay well.
Dr. ESP

Build That Wall

 

Katie Waldman and Stephen Miller Wed at Trump Hotel - The New York ...If sometimes you wish you were a fly on the wall at Kellyanne and George Conway’s home, think what it must have been like earlier today at the Steven Miller household.  Fortunately, for us, Deprogramming101 has intercepted an email between Miller and his wife Katie.

FROM:  [email protected]
TO:  [email protected]
SUBJ:  Priorities
SENT: Friday, May 8, 2020, 2:05 PM

In case you hadn’t heard, your boss just told the nation I had tested positive for the coronavirus.  I guess that makes him a HIPAAcrit.  Fortunately, I am currently asymptomatic and should be okay.  However, the White House physician has asked that I isolate for at least 14 days though I’m considering extending my quarantine for at least a month.  And that includes from you.

I asked Rosita to put fresh linens, towels, your copy of 1984 and several back issues of The Daily Stormer in the guest quarters.  I understand it’s very comfortable.  At least that’s what Alex Jones told me during his last visit.

I know how excited you’ve been, using the pandemic to accelerate your anti-immigration agenda, but I wish you and that stable genius had spent a bit more time trying to figure out how to keep the virus from migrating from the West Wing to the Eisenhower Office Building.  Perhaps you can re-allocate some funding from the border wall to erect a 20 foot high barrier between our offices.

See you in June.  Don’t do anything illegal while I’m gone.  Like burning all the copies of the administration’s coronavirus guidelines.  You know, like I did with the student newspaper at the University of Florida when they endorsed my opponent for the student council.

Sleep tight.  Love,  Your All-American White Tigress

NOTE TO DONALD TRUMP:  This parody contains actual examples of sarcasm.

For what it’s worth.
Dr. ESP

 

 

The Second Commandment

 

LIBERATE VIRGINIA, and save your great 2nd amendment. It is under siege!

~Donald J. Trump/April 17, 2020

You shall have no other gods beside Me. You shall not make for yourself any graven image, nor any manner of likeness, of any thing that is heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. You shall not bow down to them, nor serve them, for I, the Lord Your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation.

~Exodus 20:3-6

I need not remind readers that I do not believe in an anthropomorphic divine being.   If anything, my spiritual compass aligns with something akin to the Force, which according to Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi is “an energy field created by all living things.  it surrounds us, penetrates us and binds the galaxy together.” (Star Wars: Episode IV/A New Hope)

I recognize I am in the minority.  According to a 2019 Gallup survey, eighty seven percent (87%) of Americans answered “yes” to the question, “Do you believe in God?”  And, as I wrote in a February 8, 2020 entry “The Case for God,” I have no problem with that.  “If the concept of God floats your kite, I wish you steady winds and enough line to soar as high as you can.”

What offends me, and should offend those of all faiths, is when self-appointed spiritual leaders attribute divine intervention on a selective basis.  You must either believe or shut up.  Faux Christians such as Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell suggested the terrorists on September 11, 2001 were holy retribution in response to what they considered heathens who turned their back on God.  Three days after the attack, Falwell said:

[T]he pagans and the abortionists and the feminists and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way — all of them who have tried to secularize America.  I point the finger in their face and say ‘you helped this happen.’

Nineteen years later, Falwell’s doppelganger Robertson is still at it.  On April 21, he suggested the coronavirus was God’s way of punishing mankind for abortion and gay rights. (ABC News)  If only I had one shot at the audience Robertson addresses nightly on “The 700 Club,” this is what I would say.

Trump Supporters Are Staging Armed Protests to Stick It to ...As I watch individuals Donald Trump calls “good people” brandishing military-style weapons to intimidate public officials who are trying to save lives, I have to ask.  Isn’t it time you demonstrate the same allegiance to the Second Commandment that you do to the Second Amendment?

And if you believe God punishes America for those who turn their backs on him, have you not also forsaken him?  Is it not a violation of God’s second commandment to blindly pledge allegiance to someone who violates all his other commandments.  Want evidence?  Here it is.

  • #3: Thou shall not take the name of the Lord Your God in vain.  (Trump’s warning to wealthy businessmen at a rally in Greenville, N.C., “If you don’t support me, you’re going to be God-damn poor.”)
  • #4: Remember the Sabbath, to keep it holy.  (May 3, 2020:  Instead of honoring the Sabbath, Trump chooses to Tweet self-congratulations about one of his resort properties, his approval rating among Republicans and unsubstantiated warnings about rigged elections.)
  • #5: Honor your father and your mother.  (Since when is misusing or simply blowing a $200 million inheritance a sign of parental respect?)
  • #6: You shall not murder.  (Okay, he hasn’t technically murdered anyone yet, but failure to respond to warnings of the coming pandemic or recommending dangerous remedies should qualify as negligent homicide.)
  • #7: You shall not commit adultery.  (Take your pick. )
  • #8: You shall not steal.  (Trump University.  Trump Foundation.)
  • #9: You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.  (Trump accuses Robert Mueller of a crime. (PBS/June 26, 2019)  Trump blames Barack Obama for the insufficient response to the pandemic. (ABC News/March 5, 2020))
  • #10: You shall not covet your neighbor’s house, nor his wife, his man-servant, his maid-servant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor anything that is your neighbor’s. (How about your predecessor’s approval ratings?)

Maybe, just maybe, coronavirus is God’s modern-day version of the Great Flood or the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah in response to your devotion to Donald Trump above all else.  And sadly, as was the case in both of these biblical events, the innocent also suffer.

Just as the Obama administration prepared a step by step guide how to respond to a future pandemic, the God whose word you claim is sacred as well as that of his only son provided you with a similar manual for life.  Perhaps Step #1 should be, “He that is without sin among you, let him cast the first stone.”

For what it’s worth.
Dr. ESP

 

Parties Like It’s 1980

 

It’s 180 days until November 3rd, election day, but who’s counting.  EVERYBODY.

John Heilemann Speaking Engagements, Schedule, & Fee | WSBIn an effort to help viewers understand where the race currently stands, reporters and pundits are comparing the upcoming balloting to previous years.  And much of the discussion has centered how the coronavirus has upset Donald Trump’s game plan vis-a-vis Joe Biden.  Perhaps the best example is John Heilemann’s recent explanation of how elections are won in the spring, not in the fall.  (NOTE:  I am a big Heilemann fan.  The chronicle of the 2008 election he co-wrote with Mark Halperin, Game Change, is second only to Joe McGinniss’ The Selling of the President 1968 when it comes to insightful books about presidential campaign strategy.)

However, on this occasion Heilemann missed the mark.  He compared the upcoming election to similar situations in which an incumbent spent the first quarter of the year defining his likely opponent.  He gave three examples.  Bill Clinton, in 1996, presenting Robert Dole as an out of touch dinosaur from another era.  George W. Bush, in 2004, riding the coattails of the Swift Boat Brigade to characterize John Kerry as a flip-flopper and un-patriotic.  And finally, Barack Obama’s successful branding of Mitt Romney in 2012 as the wealthy kid who was oblivious to the lifestyles of the less rich and famous.

 With such a tried and true formula for re-election, one has to ask how stupid could Jimmy Carter and George H. W. Bush and their campaigns have been not to use the same tactic on Ronald Reagan and Bill Clinton, respectively.  For the record, I do not believe either of these former presidents was stupid.  The difference was not in their intention.  From the day be became the presumptive nominee, Carter tried to peg Reagan with being old, out of touch and too conservative for mainstream America.  And have we forgotten the year long effort to make us think the Democratic nominee’s real name was “Slick Willy?”

For those of you waiting for the day for live sports to return, the best I can do to ease your pain is a sports analogy, the prevent defense.  As my late father and others would say, “The only thing a prevent defense does is it prevents you from winning.”  And there lies the difference between the three successful incumbents and their less successful counterparts.  Defining your opponent is the ultimate offensive strategy.  Take it too him.  Pedal to the metal.  Substitute any cliche you want.  But you can only do that if you don’t have to worry about defense.

In political terms, that means not having to defend your own record.  Clinton was riding a booming economy.  W could take credit for not allowing another terrorist attack which many Americans thought was inevitable after Al-Qaeada’s demonstration of its capabilities on 9/11.  And Obama had the double whammy, being able to claim “Osama bin Laden was dead and GM was alive.”  Sure, their opponents could nit-pick policy issues and minor mistakes, but in general, there was no rabid sentiment for evicting the current White House tenant.

In contrast, Carter headed into 1980 with two albatrosses (or is it albatri) around his neck.  The embarrassment of U.S. hostages in Iran augmented by a failed rescue attempt.  And an energy crisis with attendant unemployment and inflation.  His prevent defense was a July 14 speech to the nation in which he attributed these conditions to “a crisis of confidence” among the American people.  Likewise, Bush 41, in the spring of 1992 was still trying to shake off the backlash from breaking his “read my lip, no new taxes” pledge.  It’s hard to go on the offensive when you’re spending all your energies shoring up the base.

Which brings us to November 2020.  Of the two elections when the incumbent lost, I believe the current situation is much closer to 1980 than 1992 for two reasons.  The first is obvious.  Due to no one’s fault but his own, Trump is clearly on the defensive, spending more time defending his response to a global pandemic and economic meltdown than working on solutions.  And even when he goes on the offensive, pointing a figure at Biden comes off as projection, reminding voters of Trump’s own shortcomings.

The second reason is characteristic of only the 1980 contest.  According to 1976 exit polling, 80 percent of Democrats voted for Carter and 89 percent of Republicans for Gerald Ford.  Exit polls four years later showed only 67 percent of Democrats supported Carter while 85 percent of Republicans pulled the lever for Ronald Reagan.  I believe what was good for the goose 40 years ago will be equally good for the gander this fall.

Therefore, I ask you, how many 2016 Hillary Clinton voters do you think will vote for Donald Trump this year?  Despite what some pundits are suggesting, Biden will not have to spend time, money or effort holding on to Clinton supporters.  In contrast, VOX.COM reported on March 20, 2020, roughly 10 percent of 2016 Trump voters are likely to vote Democratic this year.  That includes 20 percent of Trump voters under the age of 40.  Bottom line?  If both candidates were to hold their party’s respective 2016 support, Biden starts with a three million vote advantage.  But, if the VOX report is correct, a 10 percent shift represents another 6.3 million votes in the Democratic column and the same amount subtracted from the Republican total.  To add icing on the cake, this does not take into account the increase in Democratic voter participation in 2017, 2018 and 2019.

To date, the largest margin of victory in the popular vote was 1996 when Clinton defeated Dole by 8.2 million votes.  Barring any unforeseen shift in sentiment, the 2020 election could deliver one more superlative title to Trump,  one he would rather not hold–presidential candidate with the highest losing margin in the popular vote in American history.

For what it’s worth.
Dr. ESP

 

Use Your Vein

 

Donald Trump, during his appearance at a Honeywell facility in Arizona, told reporters,  “You know I made the virus mutate.  In honor of Cinco de Mayo, I call it Corona Extra.”

Meanwhile, Trump campaign director Brad Parscale announced they would not be using the Rolling Stone’s “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” this fall because it might remind voters they haven’t received their unemployment checks, $1,200 stimulus payments or access to testing.  Among tunes considered as the theme for the 2020 campaign is the following (with apologies to Carly Simon).

You walked up to the podium
Like you had something worth talkin’ about
Your hair strategically across your scalp
Your UV tan, you did flout
You had one eye on the monitor
And watched yourself pontificate
And all the Trumpsters dreamed that you’d be their home boy
You’d be their home boy, and tell them
Use your vein
Fill it with Chlorox or booze
Use your vein,
Believe me, what could you lose?
Won’t you?
Won’t you?

POSTSCRIPT

During the Arizona presser, Trump was asked what Cinco de Mayo celebrates.  Trump answered, “Hmmm.  Heinz, Hellmann’s, Kraft, Duke’s and Miracle Whip.  Is that five mayos?”

For what it’s worth.
Dr. ESP