Attorney General William Barr’s non-summary summary of the Mueller report was such a hit with Donald Trump’s base, he decided to bring his new talent to a different arena.  The entertainment industry.  Thus, in his first edition of “Barr None,” the man who can make anything sound favorable provides the following summaries of critical reviews of Disney Studio’s remake of the classic “Dumbo,” which arrived in theaters this past weekend.

Barr’s summary of Owen Glieberman in Variety:

“…a miraculous tale…”

Glieberman’s actual review:

“It transforms a miraculous tale into a routine story by weighing it down with a lot of nuts and bolts it didn’t need.”

Barr’s summary of Peter Rainer in the Christian Science Monitor:

“..a CGI creation with big ocean blue eyes and those lovable floppy ears…”

To which Rainer added:

“But the spirit and heart of the original ‘Dumbo’ is still locked away in the Disney vault.”

Barr’s summary of Mathew Dessem in Slate:

“There’s a lot going on in the movie…”

About which Dessem concludes:

“…none of it entirely coherent.”

Barr’s summary of Ty Burr in the Boston Globe:

“Dumbo flies!”

Followed by:

“The movie, sadly, never soars.”

And finally, Barr’s summary of Alissa Wilkinson in Vox:

“…barn burner…”

Nice try, here’s the complete sentence from her review:

“Dumbo is no barn-burner, largely forgettable in a way its predecessor wasn’t.”

We can only wonder if Barr’s original letter stating the Mueller Report “did not find that the Trump campaign or anyone associated with it conspired or coordinated with Russia in its efforts to influence the 2016 U.S. presidential election, ” is based on this same approach to summarizing movie reviews.  In that case, one might speculate the actual Mueller Report contains the following sentence.

“A reader could find that the Trump campaign or anyone associated with it conspired or coordinated with Russia in its efforts to influence the 2016 president election, if you ignore the nearly 100 Russian interactions with Trump associates about which all of the latter lied, Jared Kushner’s efforts to create a back-channel to communicate with the Kremlin outside accepted protocols, Paul Manafort’s sharing of campaign information with oligarchs close to Vladimir Putin or the campaign’s failure to report Russian offers of assistance to the appropriate federal authorities.”

Based on Barr’s summary of critics’ reviews of the Dumbo reboot, the film grossed an estimated $45 million during its opening weekend.  Donald Trump and his attorney general are betting the same people who dished out their hard earned money for this retelling of an animated classic about an elephant who can fly are equally inclined to prefer Barr’s reboot of the Mueller Report to the original.

For what it’s worth.
Dr. ESP