Hooray for new math
Tom Lehrer/”New Math” (1965)
New-hoo-hoo math!
It won’t do you a bit of good to review math
It’s so simple
So very simple
That only a child can do it!
If, like me, you were a fifth or sixth grader in the early 1960s, perhaps your math book was a typed, xeroxed manuscript of a proposed textbook for “New Math,” a revolutionary pedagogy for teaching grade school mathematics which originated in France in the late 1950s. It was introduced in USA schools following the launch of Sputnik by the Soviet Union. According to some national security policy wonks, narrowing the space race depended on replacing practical math constructs like Euclid’s geometry with a system in which students were trained in more theoretical approaches including counting systems other than base ten (you know, dollars and cents). In his introduction to “New Math,” Lehrer explains, “The important thing is to understand what you’re doing rather than to get the right answer.” To this day, I remember having to covert easily understandable arithmetic formulae into base-60, the Babylonian metric on which seconds and minutes are counted, yet somehow managed to tell time well into my seventies without ever drawing on this knowledge.
“New Math” curriculum was all but abandoned in the USA by 1970. A major factor leading to its demise was the fact teachers could not grasp the central principles well enough to instruct their students. The death knell rang on June 19, 1999 when an issue of Time Magazine included “New Math” in an article titled, “The 100 Worst Ideas of the Century.”
However, after listening for a decade and a half to the masters of 21st century “New Speak,” I wondered if they had raised “New Math” from the dead. That is, until I realized, “New Math” did not come close to explaining the Trump administration’s numerically calculated achievements. Eventually it dawned on me; they have created a newer math. It is only a matter of time before Secretary of Education Linda McMahon requires “Trump Math” in every public school. Therefore, I want to take this opportunity to preview some of the math problems that will surely be included in the required text available only from the White House gift shop for $99.99 (plus a 50 percent tariff since it will be produced in China).
Problem #1: When Donald Trump reduces the cost of prescription drugs by 1500 percent, how many payments for taking drugs will you need to purchase a Trump pardon?
Problem #2: Administrator of the Center for Medicare and Medicaid Service Mehmet Oz said the availability of weight loss drugs at the reduced price will result in Americans losing a total of 135 billion pounds by the mid-term elections (November 2026). That is 398 pounds for each and every American. If you gain 25 pounds by the November deadline, how more quickly will your closest friends die of malnutrition trying to make up for your weight gain?
Problem #3: If it takes one missile strike to disable a boat with three outboard motors capable of making the 1,538 mile trip from Venezuela to Miami to allegedly smuggle fentanyl into the United States, how many additional strikes will it take to ensure there are no survivors to contradict the Pentagon’s account of the strikes?
Problem #4: If a household with a family of four making a gross income of $130,000 realizes an income tax savings of $4,775 under the “One Big Beautiful Bill,” how many times must they thank Donald Trump even though the tax savings will cover less than half of the $12,900 annual increase in their health insurance premiums?
Problem #5: If 73.6 percent of ICE detainees between October 1 and November 30, 2025 have no criminal convictions, how many new Justice Department attorneys are needed to “trump” up charges to justify their deportation?
Problem #6: If a cabinet meeting lasts three hours, how much time is allotted to each cabinet member to kiss up to Trump in hopes of keeping their jobs despite lacking minimal qualifications and continuously demonstrated incompetence?
Problem #7 (extra credit): How many times can the Trump administration violate the Constitution, ignore the law, lie to the American people or reject standards of decency and civil behavior before Republican members of Congress object? [Hint: This is a trick questions without a numerical answer.]
Sadly, Tom Lehrer passed away in July of this year at the ripe old age of 97. If he were still with us, I have no doubt he would release a sequel to his 1965 album, “That Was The Year That Was,” which included “New Math” as well as other still relevant classics such as “National Brotherhood Week,” “Send the Marines,” and “Who’s Next?”
I listened to the complete album last night and reached the following conclusion. When you compare the content of the 60-year-old original version of “That Was The Year That Was” to what the titles and lyrics might be in the 2025 edition, maybe Darwinism has run its course.
For what it’s worth.
Dr. ESP
Terrific!!!!!
Fantastic!