The following is an op-ed parody.

Why I Must Be Impeached

by Donald J. Trump
November 22, 2019

HISTORICAL FOOTNOTE: Before I get to the primary reason for writing this op-ed, I just want to remind everyone this is the 56th anniversary of the day Ted Cruz’ father conspired with Lee Harvey Oswald to assassinate John F. Kennedy.

For the past two weeks, my Republican apologists on the House Judiciary Committee have tried to make the point my impeachment and removal from office are a slap in the face to the 62 million Americans who voted for me in the 2016 election.  And if the Democrats think I should no longer be president, they can make that case to the people in 2020.  Let me tell you why they are wrong.

As many of you know, I once owned a few casinos in Atlantic City, New Jersey.  But I am not saying that to remind you they all went bankrupt and I took as much money out of them as I could before the bankruptcy court could impound the assets.  I bring this up because our treatment of less than honorable patrons is the perfect analogy for the situation of my pressuring the president of Ukraine to announce he was ordering investigations into the debunked conspiracy theories about 2016 Ukrainian interference on behalf of Crooked Hillary Clinton and corruption by Joe and Hunter Biden.

You know there are people who come to casinos and use tricks to win lots of money by cheating.  I call them “card counters.”  And there was this one particular card counter by the name of Dan Johnson.  In 2011 he won over $15 million dollars in six months.  If you’re a casino owner, that can ruin your day.

In the old days, when the mafia ran most of the gambling enterprises in America, you did not have that problem.  Anyone caught counting cards would soon find themselves missing a few fingers or need knee replacements.  I was just telling Melania how much I miss those days.

According to an April 16, 2010 post on a website called “The Wizard of Las Vegas, “Johnson says he’s been banned at the Caesars and Harrah’s casinos in Nevada and was turned down by Resorts and Trump Taj Mahal Casino Resort in Atlantic City.” The article goes on to say, “No evidence has been revealed to show that Johnson won the money by cheating, but the casinos figured they would cut their losses nonetheless.”  Imagine if there was evidence.  We would not have let Mr. Johnson within a mile radius of a Trump casino.

As “Sleepy” Joe Biden would say, what if those malarkey spouting Republicans on the Intelligence Committee were faced with this dilemma.  They would probably suggest you let Johnson play.  Let the cards fall where they may.  Don’t let a few unhappy people reverse the outcome of the game.

I know they think they are protecting me.  But I don’t want or need their help.  I got caught “counting votes,”  votes I probably would not get if the dealer was honest.  So think of the United States as the casino.  And at the moment I am the owner.  If you can ban a card counter from playing blackjack, even I would prohibit someone like me from running for re-election, or as Steven Miller calls it “playing whitejack.”

Do not feel sorry for me.  Just like my Atlantic City properties, I will leave the nation bankrupted while I escape with my pockets lined with taxpayer money paid to cover the cost of government officials and the secret service being housed at my resorts.  It’s more than enough to buy a retirement condo in Sochi, the jewel of the Russian Riviera.  прощание!

For what it’s worth.
Dr. ESP